My father sought out every opportunity to bring me down by unfavourable comparisons. The only purpose was to make me feel like crap. If the situation wasn’t quite as he made out, he didn’t care. His preoccupation being the bragging rights he would have if it were me, and attention he would get as my father. Now I realise that I was probably happy and it was to bring me down.Īll of the comparisons he made reflected how much he valued money, career or reputation. I remember I felt very confused, his comment seemed to come out of nowhere. One occasion I remember very clearly, he compared me to a very famous young woman. This gave him endless possibilities to make me feel inadequate. If he didn’t have anyone else to compare me to, then he could use famous people. What a power kick for him, he had caused it all and then he could continue to feed off my sadness by reminding me of it. Then I would be completely under his power and control, and he could punish me further by reminding me of my friendless state. Without friends, I would be alone, and especially vulnerable to his abuse. If I resented them I might not want to see them. The comparisons were to make me resent my friends. Sometimes he would draw attention to my reaction as if he cared, but it was to witness my hurt and know that he had caused it. He relished my sadness and hurt, it made him feel good. His formula, find something I was unsure or unhappy about and then compare me unfavourably to one of my friends. Often if I was excited or confident he would pull me back down by comparison with a friend. Alternatively, he would fabricate things about my friends, sometimes completely off the mark and sometimes not. He never had any real information about my friends often he just used the limited things he had observed or heard. He hated this, he knew I did it because it took away a lot of his power. I made sure that my social and family life were as separate as possible.

It wasn’t only my brother he would compare me to, he used his limited knowledge of my friends against me too. Unfortunately in my family my father succeeded, my relationships with my brother and half brothers is forever fractured. They need family members to revolve around them, individually, so that they are easier to control. It is rare for siblings with a parents with narcissistic personality disorder to be close. When he controlled communications he could control how we felt about each other. And if he triangulated us, controlled communications, then he could twist situations to serve his malicious purposes against either of us.

We wouldn’t unite against him because we were too busy resenting each other. If my brother and I were at odds with other, due to his machinations, then my father was in control. Our father fostered and nurtured resentment and jealousy between his children. And I know that on occasions my father would do the same to my brother against me. Sometimes I would resent my brother, instead of resenting my father for making the comparison. These comparisons also served to drive a wedge between my brother and I. And there was nothing I could do about it. My situation or behaviour was a reflection of my own intrinsic unworthiness. And if it was a mistake it was a huge failure, not a learning experience. It made me feel that whatever I was doing was not good enough. To compare me unfavourably with my brother served several purposes for him. He had many tactics to subtly make me feel not good enough.One of those ways was to compare me, always unfavourably, with others. His body language and facial expressions would express his dislike of me. He would use the silent treatment to punish me.

But I needed a deeper understanding of what I’d been through. It was a huge relief to know that, despite what I’d been told all my life, the problem was him. The label of narcissistic personality disorder helped me see our relationship dynamic generally but I needed specifics. It felt very important to establish how he had abused me, so that I could use this information to work towards healing. But how this linked to my father’s treatment of me I didn’t know, even after I realised about narcissistic personality disorder. I struggled with anxiety, stress, depression and suicidal thoughts, throughout my life. Now I realise that it was because of my toxic upbringing. I thought that this was just a coincidence. In my lifetime I had attracted a lot of toxic friends, partners, colleagues and bosses.

It was also something that I was used to, my normal. There were many subtle ways my father abused me, this is why it was so difficult to see. Until I could pinpoint how he had abused me, I couldn’t move forward. Once I knew about narcissistic personality disorder it explained my father’s general behaviour but not the ways he abused me.

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